An Emotional Affair on Exchange

Eight months after moving to Utrecht for my bachelor's, I wrote about my relationship to my hometown: “Whenever the word ‘home’ comes to mind, it will forever be connected to Izmir, a coastal city in Turkey. I know that I will probably live in many different cities and will have many different houses and even homes, but I feel like nothing can ever replace the bond you have with the place you grew up with.” 

During my current exchange semester, after living for two years in Utrecht, I realized with somewhat horror that the word "home" slipped out of my mouth in a very foreign way: 

"What do you study?" people ask. 

"Back home I also study Economics, but here it's only Literature," I found myself saying. I rationalized: maybe I call Utrecht “home” simply because on exchange documents UU is referred to as my "home university." I reminded myself that Izmir was the only place that will ever be “home” for me. Before Utrecht, it was the only city I had ever lived in–not having spent more than two weeks away. 

But it kept happening. I would catch myself calling Utrecht home again and again, and I felt terrible. I was cheating on my city, on my past, on my home; a full emotional affair, if you will. And, like anyone in an affair, I was determined to hide any traces of my infidelity. I policed myself so that those words would not spill out again. Yet, no matter what I did, it was clear: Utrecht had made a place for itself in my heart and it was too late to go back now. 

I believe why I didn't want to connect to Utrecht was partly because I wasn't sure if it would last. It is unclear if I will be able to stay in Utrecht after my degree is finished; I don’t know if I can find a Master's programme or a job, or if I can finance it. So, developing an emotional relationship with Utrecht was risky because I knew I might have to say goodbye to it sooner than I would want. I guess I am not only a cheater, but a cheater with abandonment issues. If you are not invested, you won’t get hurt when you are broken up with. 

And in true rom-com fashion, I only realized how much I love Utrecht when I could not have it. On exchange, I see the stories from Oudegracht, the ducks from Wilhelmina and even my friends’ tortured photographs from the Science Park Library. I feel a pang in my heart. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but maybe just makes the heart aware of love already possessed. 

I am entering my last guaranteed months in Utrecht, and I don't know what the future holds for me. What I know is, Utrecht creeped its way into being a second home and I am thankful for it. I couldn't have wished for a better mistress.

This is one of the nominated columns for the 2026 campus columnist competition. The winners will be announced on Wednesday, 14 January, at DUB's New Year's reception. The two winners (one for the Dutch page and one for the English page) will each receive the Erik Hardeman stipend (1,000 euros) and publish a column on DUB every three weeks in 2026.