Gratitude stretched me too thin, then lifted me up

My last month or so at university has been nothing short of hellish. Throughout the past three years, whenever I thought of how my last weeks at UCU would feel, I would imagine sadness or relief, but I could never have imagined a continuous panic attack for a month. 

Reflecting on those three years, I have a lot to be grateful for. I feel that I am a completely different person with immensely different capabilities. I have met some friends I know will be by my side throughout my life, and gained so many important experiences. But I also feel like I haven't rested properly for three years. 

A scholarship made this insane experience and education possible for me. Without it, I would never have been able to study in the Netherlands, so I will forever be immensely grateful. Furthermore, it gave me a unique opportunity to pursue my passion. Without it, I would have stayed in Turkey and studied something that would have guaranteed me a better-paying job that would have made me absolutely miserable. I have been privileged to have a free shot at studying literature, to see if I can make anything of it, something that most people do not get. 

However, this privilege has made me so self-aware and given me such an impostor complex that I feel I need to make the best of it every single day. I overloaded myself because I needed to do so much more and perform so much better to be worthy of the shot I was given. I am aware that literature is a highly competitive field, and it is incredibly difficult to build a decent career. I also know that I have no safety net to fall back on, no opportunity to fail. So, the only way I could justify following my passion was to make sure I could say, without a doubt, that I did everything I could to be successful. 

I spent the semesters in a nonstop rush that took everything out of me, and the holidays in a joyous rush (but a rush no less), trying to see my friends and family as much as I could. I do not have the time to watch a TV show, finish a book, or commit to a hobby because every free second I have back home, I spend with a friend who is thousands of kilometres away from me 9 months of the year. 

All of this to say, it was very naive of me to think that my last month at UCU would be a time of quiet introspection or wholesome appreciation. It was hellish because I was troubled by personal issues and kept rewriting my thesis because I did not like my focus. It was hellish because I hosted two events that took months to plan, searched for housing in Utrecht, packed to move out, and worked extra hours to afford the house I would hopefully find. I would have cracked if I had to do it alone. 

My long-distance boyfriend of four years came to help me as soon as his exams were done. I didn't have any quality time to spend with him, and he came here anyway. He helped me pack, got me on track and worked through all my bouts of depression. Similarly, my best friend from high school stayed up every night to edit my thesis with me, serve as a sounding board for my ideas, and be the voice of reason. When my job made me so tired that I could not trust that I was making sense in my writing, they were the ones I could trust to be my brain. 

I sent my thesis a bit late in the end, because I changed my topic on the Monday of the submission and had to rework everything I had written for maybe the fifth time. I was not sleeping, my stress was overtaking any rationality, and I kept having nightmares that I would fail and not get a diploma. I ended up cancelling so many plans with my uni friends in the last week because I was so exhausted. In the end, I was unable to properly say goodbye to anyone, which I deeply regret. So, it was not the ideal ending to UCU, but it was certainly a fitting one. 

Initially, I formulated this article as an introspection of UCU, of everything I gained from it, but no matter how I wrote it, it ended up being about my gratitude for everything I managed to go through. I know for a fact that if it were not for these two people whom I held onto for years, I would not have made it through that week. So, maybe the greatest lesson I learned at UCU is that, although it is important to meet new people and gain new experiences in your life, there is a beauty to the things that last. It is important to hold onto the ones you know you cannot do without, the ones who make you whole when you are split into pieces. 

Looking ahead, I am immensely grateful to have been granted another scholarship that will allow me to continue studying literature and stay in Utrecht for my Master’s. However, the thought of stretching myself so thin again because of my gratitude for the incredible opportunity is already exhausting me. So, my second lesson for myself is that sometimes it is okay to do less and find satisfaction in it. I want to actually have time to talk to the people I cherish so much, rather than have them pick up my broken pieces once every few months.

On Students' Viewpoint, UU students share their views with the rest of the university community. The UCU student Iren is one of the columnists invited for this space. You can also read the perspectives of staff members on Staff's Viewpoint and click here to check out the columns by students and staff in Dutch.