Three lessons from living with John Bill

UCU students are required to live on the International Campus until they reach the last year of the programme. The campus is made up of many buildings that serve as dorms, all with their own positive and negative aspects. The placements are made randomly to a great extent, although students can state their preferences if they wish to do so.  Many students would agree that the brutalist Elmarelaan, which we refer to as “Wall,” is the worst building on campus to live in. Beyond having a name straight out of a dystopian novel, Wall has a variety of downsides. But maybe the worst is the tenants who do not pay rent: the mice.

In our unit, we have John Bill, or JB as we call him, and his many friends. JB, a mouse, small in composure but not in character, is our twelfth unit mate. Here are three lessons he has taught us: 

1. Never trust your senses
2. Cleanliness is next to Godliness
3. No better way of bonding than common misery

We are overcome by paranoia. At least five times a day, I see or hear mice where there are none. If a shadow moves, we instantly think it is a mouse. If we hear the sound of raindrops rattling, we instinctively confuse it with John Bill wreaking havoc in our cupboards. Once a unit mate jumped half a meter high just because something brushed his foot. The mental distress his existence causes has led all of us to not be able to trust our senses. Not being able to be at ease in the place we are supposed to call home is highly discomforting.

We live in a commune, in the sense that we have moved past the concept of private ownership. If you leave something around, JB is going to have a taste. As we all know: sharing is caring. The cake that you have been excited about but forgot on the kitchen table? Better save a slice for him. We have abandoned entire sections of the common cupboard to his and his friends’ use, squeezing all of our food into a couple of shelves. But also, I have never been in a cleaner unit. It is really a lesson in self-discipline as everyone does their dishes straight away and no one leaves a mess in fear of attracting him. 

You know how politicians use fear-mongering to make the nation join together due to the fear of a common enemy? JB is our big bad enemy in that sense. The whole of the unit has bonded over our dislike of his existence and our wish to get rid of him. We can admit that he does look cute, but the hygiene and health risks he poses are very hard to overcome. “I fear going to the kitchen after midnight,” says a unit mate. “I lost so much weight because I was too disgusted to cook in the kitchen,” says another student who lived in Wall the year before. There are faeces everywhere and he has access to all our food, which is an obvious health hazard.