Upcoming openings

Apply to the Femlaude Illuminati

Campus columnist
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Dear women readers,

I am pleased to inform you of upcoming openings in the highly sought-after Femlaude Illuminati, a group where women in academia get ahead by helping each other. Started by women with a passion for research and teaching, Femlaude Illuminati is a network of peers who support one another in climbing the crumbling ladder of the contemporary neoliberal university.

Roles available
Underpaid, Overworked #GirlBosses

We are excited to fill these new positions which will be launched at the official wage-gap closing ceremony in January of 2086. Should you be long-past retirement age by then, take solace in knowing that any girl child you spawn in the coming decades might have the possibility of potentially earning the same amount as her male counterpart by the time she retires — but also maybe not.

Qualifications and Requirements
To apply for this exciting opportunity, you must prove you are at least as smart as any man, a difficult task when men are twice as likely to receive a cum laude on their PhD dissertation in the Netherlands. To shatter this bulletproof glass ceiling, aspiring candidates are encouraged to spend the next sixty-three-year application period learning from men’s incredible propensity for intellect. This is best achieved by only studying under men’s tutorship, an easy task when men still make up 73.3 percent of professors at Dutch universities.

Compensation and Benefits
As women’s representation in academia is increasing, we do expect a more gender-balanced university staff in eighteen years. However, this is not guaranteed to have pay equity. As the Femlaude Illuminati aligns to industry-wide standards of not paying women for additional labour, we strongly encourage heterosexuals to marry rich men and bisexuals, lesbians and queers to form polyamorous families of at least six partners. This ensures an easy day-of-the-week swapping system where each member sees a different partner from Monday to Friday and has their weekends free to perform additional after-hours unpaid work. With a dedicated system of asset hoarding and ceaseless accumulation of capital, as a nation, we can hope to finally take over the United States in wealth inequality. Right now, the richest 10 percent of households in the Netherlands only own 68 percent of the wealth. However, we at the Femlaude Illuminati strongly believe that with hard work and determination, we can reach at least 75 percent.

Company Values
As a sister organisation of the Woke Agenda, we at the Femlaude Illuminati only allow free speech on Wednesdays between 2:00 pm and 2:15 pm. Members attempting to have divergent opinions outside of those fifteen minutes will have their Dutch citizenship (or legal residency status) revoked and possibly be burnt at the stake — also known as "cancelled". Serious and repeat offenders will also be mandated by law to turn their private residence bathrooms into gender-neutral ones. At these Wednesday free speech assemblies, we also wear pink.

Apply today and become a member of our exclusive organisation and reap the benefits of being the majority of students, but the minority of professors. The Femlaude Illuminati welcomes all women wanting to advance their careers despite their assigned and identified genders and looks forward to your applications.