The time of your life

Welcome to Utrecht University, where every student is guaranteed to have the time of their life. But, please, do make sure that the time of your life only lasts three years, otherwise that costs too much and who is going to pay for that? Should the baker's child be paying for the education of the lawyer's child? No, according to the Dutch parliament.

Don't expect to learn about socioeconomic reasoning at UU, but you will be seen as both a financial incentive and a burden from the get-go. Unfortunately, UU can no longer rely on its international broilers, I mean students. Students from outside the European Union mean an entry of 10,000 euros per student. Diversity and multiculturalism have never been so valued. Entirely in accordance with Dutch student tradition, however, UU is now also saying "no internationals, plies", just in case you can't find a room in the city where you're going to study. Maybe you should look for a spot at the international hostel Ter Apel? But do it fast because it's usually fully booked. Dutch hospitality at its best.

Classes at TikTok level
Looking for a place to live yet wondering how you're going to find the time to study, considering you have to work at least three days a week aside from your studies to afford the rising costs of energy and other expenses? No need to worry, it looks like UU has discovered the existence of the Internet during the pandemic. They're working hard on educational innovation so, before you know it, you'll be able to follow your classes on TikTok. The university will be available anytime, anywhere, 24/7. Plus, the duration of classes is set to be reduced from two hours to two minutes, which is ideal for a generation with no attention span. This way, all students will be able to stay focused.

If you manage to free up some time in your overly full schedule to go to campus, watch out! Before you know it, you might fall prey to one of the new idiosyncratic mores at the university. Coffee should no longer be consumed with milk as cows have been cancelled in favour of soya beans, which come from burnt down, stolen pieces of land in the Amazon. If you don't feel like doing that and prefer to make a statement against capitalism, you can rent a room owned by a huisjesmelker ("house milker". The term refers to negligent landlords who own several properties, Ed.) It will cost you some money but at least you'll be supporting the local market. Do you want to eat something with that coffee? Then fuck off, UU no longer attends to basic needs. This is not a hotel, after all!

A safe space in the Academy Building
Where to go in your beloved alma mater to get a taste of student life? I know a heated room full of paintings of white men where you could glue yourself to the wall. The room in question is in the Academy Building, at Domplein 29. Yeah, you're right, first you have to walk through a room full of paintings of women but that's not the room I'm talking about. No, those are not prayer rooms separated by gender. Just keep walking down the hall, walk up the stairs and you'll see it right in front of you. Invite other students and you can make your very own safe space there, all cosy in the company of the old white men. Don't forget to bring a tractor with you — otherwise, you're going to get removed. But don't say you heard this from me, OK? I don't identify with paupers.