Unlearning through life

Bad habits are hard to break. Habits get us through the day, if we had to think seriously about brushing our teeth or making a cup of tea, life would be incredibly exhausting. If we decide to change our routine or behaviours, all the micro-habits that contribute to those actions need to be untangled and unlearned to make space for something new.

I’m unlearning being a student. With my Research Master’s behind me, I need to figure out who the "me" is without classes, deadlines and assignments. After writing my thesis alone, it’s an adjustment to be working in a team again where I must rely on others, attend meetings and fill in timesheets. When I was writing my chapters, I had an all-consuming focus and determination. I had moved continents and racked up considerable student debt to get to that point and I saw my dissertation as the last kilometer of a marathon—it was make or break.

I was in the habit of saying no to social events, always leaving early, keeping a religious sleep schedule and putting my thesis above all else. Now, I don’t have this big, hairy, audacious goal to work towards and I’m unlearning the habits it took to get me across the finish line. Now, I try to stay for that extra beer and let conversations wind down past midnight, fighting the tickling urge to get back to my laptop.

This is not the first time I’ve had to learn to unlearn. When I made the career move from advertising to non-profits, I had to unlearn chasing metrics and money. I was on my journey to becoming an anti-capitalist, and I felt somewhat like a double agent or rather a defector. I think my relationship to capitalism will always feel like this push and pull, we’re both hell-bent on destroying one another but our symbiosis is necessary to survive. After settling into the non-profit world, I decided going back to study was next, and I had to unlearn the daily grind of strategy sessions and people-based projects because now I had classes and papers.

At university, we talk a lot about learning but I think we need to put more focus on unlearning. Unlearning preconceived notions, unlearning the idea that there is a right answer. Unlearning what it means to study because learning doesn’t only happen in a classroom. The last two years of Gender Studies often seem like a blur, but the moments when I was wrong stand out. Where I had to unlearn something that seemed as obvious and intuitive as a blue sky and green grass. Luckily, the grey skies of Utrecht are the perfect place to do just that.