‘We both had issues with monogamous relationships’

What’s stopping today’s youth from having sex? Young people are waiting longer and longer to lose their virginity. According to a study (in Dutch) by Rutgers, the average age at which people have sex for the first time is 18.7 years old, up from 17 years old in 2012. It is not easy to determine why this is happening. According to research by Marianne Cense, published in 2019, dating apps, social media, pressure to perform, and changing beauty standards all contribute to this shift. 

Leslie van der Leer, a lecturer and researcher in Social, Health & Organisational Psychology, concurs. ''When you wait a bit longer, you tend to think more about what you want. You may also want to explore more. You could see it as a search for a person’s identity. Similarly, young people are increasingly concerned with gender identity and sexual orientation. They’re more open to trying everything once to see what suits them, so they are not so eager to follow the social norm that a romantic relationship consists of two monogamous people.'' 

Are humans monogamous?
Perhaps alternative relationship formats are a trend? Not necessarily, answers Van der Leer. “We don’t know if more people are engaging in open relationships or if they're just more open about it. Since 2020 or so, research has focused less on what people in general think about non-monogamous relationships and more on the individuals who are in non-monogamous relationships themselves. The rise of social media has made it much easier to reach this group."

"In addition, during the pandemic, all the self-help books and resources for self-empowerment have led to a more open conversation about alternative perspectives on gender and sexual orientation. Alternative relationship forms were therefore part of that conversation," she continues. 

Nevertheless, non-monogamous relationships remain stigmatised. According to Van der Leer, this stems from a time when religion was more influential than it is today, setting behavioural norms. Nowadays, people are distancing themselves from these norms more and more, which gives room for new perspectives. Besides, human beings are not necessarily monogamous creatures. Van der Leer: "It’s not part of our DNA. When you compare us to other species, we’re just not programmed that way. Certain birds stay together their entire lives, they even stay faithful to each other when one of them dies. People can be socially monogamous and stay together for a long time, but they’re not always physically monogamous - cheating is pretty common. Our social monogamy is partly imposed by culture, which is reflected in movies, songs, and books.''

In this day and age, it is much more acceptable to have sex with someone without being in love with them. "Take casual hookups or friends with benefits, for example. These are not permanent relationships, but you can see that exclusivity is becoming increasingly blurred as a norm. It’s less and less an assumption at the start of a relationship. Exclusivity only becomes a fact after a conversation about it. If this conversation hasn't happened yet, we assume others might have other love interests.''

‘Rules are not fixed and can change at any point’

Thijs, 27, is a student at UU. He had been in a few monogamous relationships before meeting his current girlfriend. He had never considered an open relationship until his girlfriend suggested it. She had had good experiences with open relationships and was keen to explore that further. Good communication, honesty, and trust are important pillars in their relationship. 

“Step by step, we understood what felt comfortable and what didn't. Initially, we only did one-off hook-ups but slowly expanded that to dating others. We believe that sex and feelings are connected, so it's normal to have feelings for someone else. By the way, we tell each other everything. We’re both pretty good at sensing what the other one wants to hear and what they can't handle. Of course, you can always ask if the other person wants more detailed information. It also depends on the moment. I always want to hear about her experiences right away, but my girlfriend only wants to hear my stories when she feels a bit more at ease."

''Right now, this strengthens our bond, but then again, I don’t know what it would be like if we didn't have an open relationship. I'd never got to know anyone so quickly and so well before, and I believe it's because we share so many personal and intimate things. We don't have a set timeframe, a point at which our relationship would cease to be open. We’re always discussing our rules, changing them if necessary, and sometimes we take it to the next level. Our relationship will not keep its current form forever. Everything is negotiable.''

‘With friendships, you don't do everything with the same person either’

What began as a monogamous relationship turned into an open one. That's what happened to Delphine, a 20-year-old student at the Utrecht University of Applied Sciences (HU), and her former boyfriend. She realised that they were more than just friends with benefits, but monogamy was not a nice fit for their bond either. She admits that open relationships are "definitely" not for everyone and that it takes some getting used to. At the beginning of their relationship, she only kissed him, and suddenly she could kiss others as well. "Then you have to figure out together what works and what doesn't."

''Neither of us wanted to be tied down. We were new to Utrecht, had just joined a student association, and wanted to enjoy student life. We had a very good relationship, he was my best friend. People were impressed by how we handled it, it was really nice. My sister said to me at one point: ‘With friendships, you don't do everything with the same person either’ and I totally agreed. Before this relationship, I was very bad at setting boundaries. I learned a lot from this relationship because there was always room to discuss things.''

''I appreciate the idea of setting someone free like that and knowing you will get back together. We did have a few rules, though: for example, we wouldn't date other people. I can separate lust from love. Of course, you must have some kind of feelings for someone to have sex with them, but love is something else entirely. Sure, sometimes you suffer from a bit of jealousy, that's only natural. But, above all, you want the other person to have the best experiences. People around us didn't always understand how we did it either. I think our relationship worked mainly because we communicated well and always checked how we stood. It didn't end because it was open, other things were going on."

'It's not a bad thing to be attracted to others'

Suus, a 22-year-old student at UU, doesn’t believe that humans are naturally monogamous. Her current relationship is, but she's been in an open relationship too. She doesn't value sex very much — emotional connections matter much more to her. She is not sure if she would enter an open relationship again.

''I think the way our society regards relationships is hypocritical. Monogamy should not be the ultimate form of love. If you are attracted to someone else, that doesn't necessarily mean something bad, or that you love your partner less. Ignoring those feelings can only be harmful in a relationship. Instead, it is much healthier to give each other space to explore that attraction towards someone else, as long as you are clear and open about it.''

She and her previous partner were both very curious and had little experience with sex, she says. "It is not written on your forehead that you are in a relationship, so sometimes while going out someone would flirt with us and then the three of us would kiss. That's actually how it kind of evolved. Sometimes we made agreements about it in advance, and we sensed whether or not the other person wanted it. In the end, it also came down to sex with others. I think it also helps that I’m not in a straight relationship. The social norms are different from what you often see in a heterosexual relationship. I believe that's because you don't have those old-fashioned husband-and-wife relationships, so you have to write the rules of your relationship anyway. That's also why you see alternative forms of relationships more often within the gay community.''